If a black guy treated you right and made you happy would you ever consider dating him? or are you strictly only a white guy person? because although people have preferences, they also have logic. I used to date white guys only, due to bad experience with black men and so on. But my hubby now is black, and I'm attracted to him in all sorts of ways. Granted I was sceptical at first because he was black...but yeah.
I hate how many times I have to write about this issue, so I’m going to detail a response that addresses all of the questions I’ve just had arrive in my inbox, not just yours;
All people are the same. Some white guys cheat and lie etc, so do some black guys. Skin colour has no affect on how you are as a person. I am talking about what I find sexy. Finding something different sexy doesn’t have to mean that you have a problem with yourself and it can be something very different to you (for example, a tall, skinny man can love short, overweight women without his love for himself being called into question). But it is also me acknowledging my shallow, physical requirements, which are something I find important because my sexuality and being turned on by my partner is important to me. Somebodys skincolour, is arguably just chance- no one chooses their skin colour and it doesn’t affect who you are internally. In the same way- some women are born with big breasts, and some have little ones… Just chance. Despite this it is perfectly acceptable for a man to say “I just don’t find big breasts sexy, I’m going to date women with small ones because that’s what I like”.
I think people think I have “decided” not to like black men, when what turns me on when I look at it is no more a choice than what music I like when I listen, or what food I like when I taste. And other peoples/society’s views on this have no effect whatsoever on how I feel. If I am out to dinner and the waiter asks me if I want parmesan on my pasta and I say “no thankyou” (which I would t say because the answer is ALWAYS yes, but anyway…) nobody asks why because it is assumed that what taste you find pleasing is something you cannot change and you have the right to specify. Some people may say “I can’t BELIEVEEEE you dont like parmesan” but the conversation would end there because you cant debate taste in this way, because reasoning doesn’t change an individuals personal preferences. For this reason I always find it pathetic when I hear people say for example “I only date black men” but a week later its “now I’m #teamwhiteboys” because I find it strange and impossible to believe that people choose what they like, as opposed to being free and just doing what they find most pleasing.
This is not a new thing for me, or a reaction to black men, I have only been with one black guy in my life (my first ever boyfriend, who I am still friends with) and since then I decided to be honest with myself about what I really like and exclusively date (older) white men, and I enjoy it :) I will also add that this line of questioning ONLY occurs with black women who like white men, and that all the Asian women who date white men or black men who date white women etc are free to pursue and enjoy their relationships without such a barrage of suspicion and scruity.
Im Hispanic but im into black girls my friends think is weird i dont!
Its not wierd… But then again I’m a black girl who is into white men and people think that’s strange too! Just “do you” and like who you like. Those that matter don’t care, and those that care don’t matter! :) Black women are beautiful, so what’s not to like??! Recently I’ve spoken to soo many (non black) guys who are very into black women, not just physically, but because of our culture and “soul” too. These guys I speak to through work etc tend to be older and very educated guys- having had the benefit of an open mind and being well travelled, they decide that of all women, they prefer black girls… Which I think says volumes for thinking objectively for yourself and from experience, as opposed to allowing the media and other people to influence you. Dating outside your race can be difficult and people are always going to have opinions, but prioritise your happiness, not everyone else’s :)
I wanted to respond to a previous ask where you stated that physical attraction isn't a choice. I think that is true to a certain degree, but I think if you're a person of color who is ONLY attracted to white people I believe that that is more about societal conditioning.We live in a white supremacist patriarchal society that places whiteness as the pinnacle of attractiveness. You like what you like because you’ve been conditioned to like it by society and the media. – it’s what you’ve been sold
No. Not at all. So if a white man likes black women its okay, but if a black woman likes him back its “social conditioning”? Why do black women constantly get such a tough deal? Everyone else can make free choices, but apparently we are too stupid or susceptible to suggestion to be able to make decisions, have opinions and date who we want. I am bisexual, for the record, and I am more or less only black women, so I have no “conditioning” against the beauty of black people because I think that the black woman is the most beautiful on earth.
I simply like what I like. I can find a black man good looking, but I don’t find them sexy. The media doesn’t define me. In fact, I would say that black men are represented in society as sexier than white men anyway. I love who I am, I love my culture, I love being black. But I cannot choose who I find sexually attractive. Again this is just another way of suppressing and controlling black women. Every other race combination is okay, but a black woman and a white man??? Its a sin! I love being with white men, I love being part of a mixed couple, I love learning from their culture and teaching them about mine. And this makes some people soo angry. Yet its fine for the black man to date white women, or the Asian woman to date white men. There is no “race” just people, and some look a way that I find attractive, and some don’t. Society wants us to stay within our borders, within our cultures, and most people just obey and do what they think they should be doing rather than what makes them happy. I don’t live my life like that.
I'm a black guy, and I'm also one of the people who run into the "you talk really white sort of problems." I go to one of the top liberal arts schools here in the USA and I just really admire your free, intellectual, and sex positive lifestyle. I can Identify with a lot of what you say, and I just wanted to tell you I think your really cool. Also I lament- for some reason intellectual Black girls always seem to go for white guys :/ It's a shame on my end.
I believe that there should be no “taboo” around sex or being a sexual woman. Every life form on the planet has the urge to “reproduce”… the primary function of any living thing is to survive. Somewhere between walking around caves and 2013, there grew some sense of guilt or shame surrounding sex (in my opinion deeply linked to religion) and I simply don’t get it. I find being openly ignorant or stupid far more embarassing than being open about sex.
Fact remains that its not been long enough since things were very different. We are just not in a world yet where a black person can speak in an educated way and not have some fool say they are talking “like a white person”. I will say that I am extremely thankful for the way I talk because it has opened more doors than you can imagine and makes me incredibly adaptable in social situations. People used to try and bully me about it, but I’m like… I say “gargantuan” you say “some big ole’ stuff” you say three words for every one of mine, and my vocabulary got me a job and a one way ticket out of a poor area so who’s really winning yes that’s right that would be me.
Intellectual black women go for white men because when you start working up the career or social ladder you look left, then right, and there ain’t a black guy to be seen. When I go to an arthouse cinema, or gallery, or wherever… There aren’t any black men. So, back to the original point about “survival through reproduction” at all costs… What do you do? You adapt. You get used to the significantly smaller, inferior white mans penis and…. Hahaha just kidding :) As a cultured black woman I want to be with someone like me. Sure I date white men but they like hiphop just like me, most of them know more about black history than the average black man. They are career focussed in jobs that are not limited to entertainment and/or sports. If black men want to have a chance then they should stand up and compete. Me and my best friend have a theory that a man will NEVER EVER EVER date a woman he believes to be more intelligent than him, ever. Even a man that likes smart girls doesnt want a woman smarter than him. So there is also the fact that I am acutely aware that I scare the majority of black men who approach me, and they lose interest the second I open my mouth.
i like your answer that you gave too the question "How can we teach young black men to love and respect black women?". but as a guy that has been raise by a single black female and also dated a few i'm can argue that the lesson that need for a black men to respect and love their women also has to be taught to them not only by there mother"s but also by every black women he come in contact with.
I disagree. I think that whether you are a young black man or otherwise you shouldn’t need women to teach you to respect them. We fight sexism, lack of representation, inequality and carry your children. When marriages break down we are the ones left holding the baby. You need no further reason to respect us. A bad experience with a single, or several black woman shouldnt be a reason to disrespect us all. That would be racism.
How can we teach young black men to love and respect black women?
A good place to start is to teach young black men to respect themselves. Black women have been marginalised and opressed for centuries, by more or less everyone, but I suppose the fact that black men add to this, puts gravity on situation. A lot of men buy into a culture where women are commodities and money is king. The fault lies in the individuals. A lot of us were raised by strong, black, single monthers, yet I see so many black men disrespect black women in particular, that it makes me wonder what black women have to do to get some recognition and respect. Everyone knows we face racism, sexism, lack of representation and supression, and I’m wondering when the humble, beautiful black woman is going to get a break.
There is an undercurrent of uneducated black men who have no sense of responsibility for how they act. And the worst thing is that its 100% WHAT THE MAN WANTS YOU TO DO. The government engineers social conditions that breed crime so they have an exuse to lock you up and keep you out of the way and make sure you can never get a job when you get out, and a lot of black men fall into this, and dance around lile puppets, for everyone’s profit but their own. But there has to be a greater sense of personal responsibility. A sense of independence, which mean that black men are empowered enough to decide, for example, that just because the media tells them to like light skinned women with wigs down to their ass and surgically enhanced bodies, that they are strong enough, intelligent enough and man enough to make their own decisions and not to put their own women in the “ugly” corner.
The answer to your question is education. It is to educate black men to a level where they realise that they can have thoughts or opinions that are independent of their friends, or the media. So that we can have a class of men who look at what they are being fed (glorified crime, grotesque unnatural women, a lifestyle designed to kill you etc) and realise that they are BETTER than that. Better than fulfilling stereotypes, and government quotas. As I stated at the beginning, teach them to respect themselves, because you can not love or respect anyone else before you love and respect yourself.
I love the way you answered that racism question, especially the part about not fitting the "corporate image". I wish this could be addressed on more of a public platform, because the issue of race and hair causes alot of discrimination, even with-in the black community.
Hi, thankyou very much. I agree that the issues behind why our natural image is seen as unworthy of the workplace, is something we need to talk about. Unfortunately, there simply aren’t enough people that care about it. Within the black community I don’t think there is the enough impetus, or enough of a togetherness for us to try and Inflict change.
Thanks for following,
Sorry if you've been asked this before, but have you experienced more racism in the United States or the UK?
I’ve been to the States twice and live in London. In my experience I have received open and frequent racism. This is primarily in the workplace and when looking for jobs. Also there is a kind of subtle racism that I think is more dangerous. Its the “you talk like a white girl” type racism. As an educated, well spoken black woman I have to fight constant stereotypes.
When I talk to someone new for the first time, I would say 7/10 people comment on how I speak (because I am very well spoken). I’m also aware that because I’m black and have afro hair etc, that I don’t fit a “corporate” image. A lot of white people find me “exotic” or something. Especially middle/upper class ones. I get really ignorant wierd comments about my appearance lile they’re never seen a black person before.
I think it will be a long time until attitudes change. I date white men, and sometimes their friends will make the “brown sugar” type comments. I’ve been called a “nigger” in public before. I’ve not been let into certain nightclubs and bars, and been fairly sure it was because of my colour- when all my white friends have been let in and I get stopped on the door. But I don’t let it affect me because I can’t change it.Through my job and with everyone I meet I try to change the preconceptions of black people that people have, and I hope that the people that meet me, realise that I am more than a colour, and that my race doesn’t define me.
Have you been in a relationship where the guy's parents didn't approve because of your race? If so how did you deal with it? I'm in a fantastic relationship with a great guy. I'm black, he's white but his parents don't approve. I don't know what his dad says to him (I've only been given some awful snippets) but he's become distant but doesn't want to give up yet. The ONLY issue between us two is that his dad hates us being together. We've never fought outside of this. What advice could you give?
Okay. I’ve never had it that bad but me and my ex went up north to look after his parents farm when they were away, and the second I stepped in, I noticed all this Golliwog stuff all over the house. (if you don’t know what it is, Google it, its a gross racist cartoon that was popular in the UK back in the day)… And I was a bit like *awkward* and I did ask him about it and he didn’t really know what to say.
Because I only date white men, inevitably their parents could become an issue, but normally when they meet me they really love me because I am very articulate, polite etc. Because I’m from a very open minded very liberal family, I simply don’t understand how someone can dislike you because of your race. I would say to persevere with your relationship. Its your life. If I listened to every ignorant person that made a comment about who I date, I’d never get to see anyone. You have to talk to your guy about it too, because if he is being in any way sympathetic to his father’s feelings about you two, you need to evaluate if that’s the sort of person you want to be with. But don’t allow the racism of narrow minded people to rule your life.
“You can say they’re just locking up thugs, imagine if they imprisoned every middle class kid that had ever held drugs…”
Do you find your dad and male relatives to be below dirt? You have a fixation with white men, nothing wrong about having a preference but you're ''only'' open to white men. I wonder why? and what you think of the males in your family?
It’s such a simple thing. I am sexually attracted to white men. Most black people only date one race (thier own) well I only date one race too (the one I’m attracted to) Why does it affect you?? I’m not talking about personality. I have plenty of black male friends. I’m talking about one dimensional, physical, sex appeal. Loving people of another race doesnt equate to hating youself. I love my brother’s- my little brother is one of my best friends so don’t even go there, don’t even begin to talk about my family. I can feel my blood boiling and my heart beating like mad. Don’t even start talking about things that you are to narrow minded to understand. Don’t fuck with me on this. I’m getting heated. I LOVE PEOPLE OF ALL COLOURS BUT I FUCK WHITE MEN BECAUSE I AM SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THEM. GET OVER IT. Go catch a sedative.